Saturday, December 31, 2011

Resolutions Schmesolutions

Here's how we started out the new year...

Recognize the background? That's us back at Hopkins. We woke up first thing in the morning to find that somewhere in the wee hours of the morning his Gtube had fallen out (the balloon inside had burst) and the hole was practically closed. We tried several times to get it back in but to no avail. Thankfully we had a great outcome and this was me after they got it back in...

A little fragged from very little sleep but happy we were going home! Because the hole had closed so much they had to use catheters starting at a smaller size and gradually increase the diameter until we reached the gtube size. It took a little bit of effort but all in all it added up to the shortest ER trip ever. They were very expedient this time and they even sent us home with some smaller catheters so we can do it ourselves if the need ever arises again. A++ this time, Hopkins. 

*Now to our originally scheduled post, which is kind of apprapo.*  

Here's the thing about resolutions: who needs them? Who wants to be reminded of how they've failed the past year and how they will, most likely, fail again in the coming year? All resolutions do is make you feel bad about yourself. They say, 'Hey, you did a,b, and c wrong, you stupid silly person. Try me again and see if you can't do any better this year.' And then they mockingly laugh in your face. Resolutions should have died back when schools stopped using E as a grade. 

Here's the other thing about resolutions: I have a few.

Believe. Enter. Do. Possess. Walk. Own. Trust. These are the verbs that God has been pressing into me the past two months. I can't go a day without at least one of those words being a prominent part of my day. So this year today I resolve to live those. How? I'm not sure but I think this is how I will start:

Each night without a nurse is another opportunity to catch up on lost time with Rambo.

Every weakness is a chance to let God be strong.

Each miscommunication is a chance to be more deliberate about what I say.

Any bad news is an increase in faith.

A messy house is a thankful heart for my children and things that make it messy.

Every disappointment is a new place for God to fill.

Dirty dishes in the sink and a laundry room filled with dirty laundry... well, I'm still working on those...

Oh, and I want to do 100 jumping jacks a day. Ben won't let me go running without a) a gun or b) a dog. One of which we have a plethora of and the other we don't have any. I see his point and yet, I still will not strap a 12 gauge to my side while I try to exercise. And since a membership to the gym is certainly not going to happen this is the option I'm left with. Considering I haven't run since college, I think jumping jacks is a good starting point. A drop in the bucket, mind you, but a start none the less.

So there you have it, world. Let's see how well I do. By the way, this is in no way saying there won't be posts where I'm venting or yelling or crying or mad or sad.... don't worry. But maybe this year there will be less.

2011, you can shove it. You pretty much sucked. 2012, I welcome you with open arms. You've kind of had a shaky start. Maybe you just forgot the new year had started. Please don't disappoint!!  

You shall walk in all the way which the Lord your God has commanded you, that you may live and that it may be well with you, and that you may prolong your days in the land which you will possess. Deuteronomy 5:33

Friday, December 30, 2011


"I feel......cold." 

10 points to anyone (except Ben) who can guess what that is from.

I do literally feel cold because it would appear that winter has finally hit. But more than that, today I feel heavy. Rambo is thankfully doing well and that cold we were trying to hold at bay has started to move from him to me. I would rather it be that way but I feel this cough deep down in my chest. You know that kind where you feel it but you can't quite get it? Yup, that's the one. Other than that I feel fine and Rambo seems to be settling back into normal.

Yesterday was trying to say the least. We had to take Rambo to the doctors to get his monthly shot in each leg. No big deal. But the nurse must have mentally gone on vacation because she did a horrible job. I don't say that lightly. On the first shot she didn't have his leg down well enough so the needle came out and she had to put it in again. Actually, I can't say for certain the needle came all the way out. I don't remember. But I do know she had to push it back in. Whether partially or all the way, I'm unsure. Then on the second leg the syringe actually came disconnected from the needle so he had a needle sticking out of his leg for no reason. The medicine spilled everywhere. Result? Rambo only got a partial dose of the medicine. Only a specific amount of this medicine gets sent to the doctors so there was not any left for him to get the full amount. The nurse said "We'll just have to go with that." Not that there was anything else she could really say, but it seemed so casual to me. Here's hoping he doesn't get RSV. 

Then there are the pharmacies who don't do what they say they will do. Me spending 3 days trying to get 1 prescription. Of which 2 of those days I spent waiting 40 minutes in the actual pharmacy because they hadn't yet done what they said they would do. It's the same with one doctors office getting in touch with another one.

It was all too much. I don't know how I'm supposed to be a doctor, nurse, pharmacy, insurance company on top of wife and mom. Why can everyone else get away with not doing there job, or doing it poorly, but I can't? And I think that's the catch. I don't desire to do my job poorly. I want to be good at it. I want to wake up everyday and try to do the best I can with my husband, my children, my responsibilities. Maybe all these people were just having a bad day. It happens. But it all ends up on me. I have to be the one staying on top of everybody and keeping everyone else straight. 

On top of that, yesterday morning was a very reflective day for me. I don't know why exactly. But I was thinking about how Rambo is a year old. Already. 12 months have passed and we are not any closer to getting him off any machines then we were when we brought him home 8 months ago. Next year could literally hold the same exact thing this year did. 

The same. Nothing.

He's growing for sure. More outwards than upwards, but growing non the less. 21 pounds at yesterdays appointment. He's getting there developmentally - still behind - maybe always will be - but he's trying. Health-wise nothing is different.

Feeding tube.
No swallowing.

That's where there has been no growth. None. 

Next year could be the same.

I sigh. Whether in sadness or frustration or realization I don't know. But it feels like a complete thought. And that's about as deep as I want my thoughts to get concerning this.

As we speak my dear sister in law is in the hospital having her baby boy. Yay Lauren!! I'm so happy for you and your family. Truly I am. But it makes my heart hurt. Knowing that her son will one day surpass mine. Knowing that he'll attain things in his first year my son may not even see in his second. I didn't think it would be this hard. (Although, when she found out she was having a boy I did want to curse the sun moon and stars. :) Why couldn't it be a girl???!?!) Not stealing your joy, Lauren. I am happy beyond words for you. But it does bring back memories of things I missed. Things I never got to have with Theodore. Time that slipped away. 

On the flip side, I just went over and held Teddydore because he woke up from his nap and he gave me that sweet sublime wonderful smile. Indeed, I love this boy. And I think that is the thought I will leave with.                 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Now wait just a minute.

Everyone please stop what you are doing for a moment. Put down your pencils and look up. Because I received something for Christmas that is worth some attention.

Something breath taking.
Life changing.

Dream making.
Epically epic.

It's okay to be jealous. I know they are awesome. 

My dear cousin and her husband got me THE mugs. And guess what....

Yup. That's eggnog. Just call us Clark and Eddie. Thanks, Theresa and Dewey! Ben and I are gonna get you something "*wink* real nice."
I must say those mugs really did round out our Christmas nicely. We were extremely busy Christmas weekend visiting both sides of the family, opening presents, and eating copious amounts of food. Moving Rambo isn't the easiest thing in the world. Especially when you're taking ALL of his stuff.. not just the portable. Which of course, we had to because we were going to be gone for hours at a time. But last night, we were finally able to sit down and recover by drinking some eggnog in our mugs. 

I am complete.
Rambo apparently needed to summon some Elvis spirit to recover because I found him taking a nap yesterday looking like this...

He must have been all shook up. 

So, my fellow Americans and all the rest of the world, I once again bid you Merry Christmas. I hope you all had lovely weekends.

Friday, December 23, 2011


For those who don't know... the past two weekends we have been without a nurse. Now, in the scheme of things that's not so bad. It really isn't. I mean, I was up with him day AND night for the first two months after we brought him home. I'll take three nights a week... if I have to. And the company called today to say that they finally found a nurse to fill in on the weekends. This weekend, at least. Not Christmas Eve but tonight and Sunday night. And I need to do orientation with the nurse they send tonight so I'll still be sleeping downstairs BUT we have a nurse. I repeat, we have a nurse. 

Back to what I was saying before: Having to stay up on the weekends with the boy isn't that bad. Or.... it could be worse, let's say that. I'm keeping my head up and trying to not have a pity party. But this does lead me to all the wonderful little things I forgot I would be dealing with through the night.

Cats. On the couch. On top of me.

Sleeping on the couch and not being able to turn to my side and put my knees up. 

Again, sleeping on the couch and how my back really doesn't like it.

Setting my alarm to feed him, warming up his bottle and then falling asleep before it's ready only to wake up 45 minutes later realizing the bottle is still in the bottle warmer. 

*beepbeepbeep beepbeep* and the constant repositioning

Trying to find the trach to get the suction catheter down without turning on every light and waking Rambo up.

Him coughing around 2am- constantly for an hour. (This is a newer habit he started after having that wretched doctors appointment in November. Yeah, remember that one? He still isn't straight from it.)

Getting only around 20 minutes of sleep at a time.

Rambo waking up at 6am.

All that being said, three nights out of a week is do-able. Tiring, sure. Frustrating, yes, But do-able. And hopefully I'll only have to do it once this weekend (so they say). 

Also, he is getting a molar. So not exciting. The poor boy is miserable.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas! Enjoy your weekend. And in the words of tiny Tim (who I'm honestly not a big fan of - don't hate me.) God bless us. Everyone. Or in the words of Ellen Griswald, 'It's Christmas and we're all in misery.' Hopefully that is not the case. 



Wednesday, December 21, 2011

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Can you smell the cookies baking?
(Or in our case right now, the bacon... No relation to Christmas. Just what we were in the mood for.)

  Do you hear Bing Crosby singing Mele Kalikimaka, the Hawaiian Christmas song? It's the thing to say, you know.


Are your stockings hung by the chimney with care??

Did you remember to water the tree? Nobody wants a thousand dry dead needles to pick up in a few weeks. We all know the vacuum cleaner does not work. (You're welcome.)

Have you stopped and breathed it in and remembered?

Holler!!! We have!! And Christmas will be here soon! 

It took me a little while to 'get into the mood' this year. Maybe it was the warmer weather. Maybe it was the fact that we are home this year. Maybe it's because I started buying presents in September. Maybe I'm just a cottonheadedninnymuggins. In any case, I am now officially in the mood. Bring on the crowds (I say this because I can't actually make it to the stores...), and the eggnog, and the parties (which of course, are now pretty much over because Christmas is in 4 days). So maybe I'm a little late this year, but at least I finally made it before Christmas day. 

We debated letting the kids open a present early last night. Ben asked Ruth if and why she was excited for Christmas. Her answer? Yes because its the day Jesus was born. 

Right answer.

Open away, kids!
Thank you, God, for Christmas Day! Thank you, God, for Jesus! Thank you that we are home together! 

Rambo is excited this year too. He just doesn't know it yet. Hopefully next year will be one of more realization for him. 

Until then, keep one hand in your pocket and the other one making a peace sign. Or else you might find yourself in need of a knife but only able to find spoons.


With both feet.

Something a little different for today. Linking up with Ann Voscamp. You may have seen this under my Daily Cup page. Using it as a reminder.  Reminding myself to live. Right now. Take each moment, each new circumstance. Jump in with both feet.

Rambo is here.

Rambo is home.

Life is different.


Don't wait.

See I have placed the land before you; go in and possess the land which the Lord swore to give to your fathers; to Abraham to Isaac, and to Jacob. See the Lord your God has placed the land before you; go up, take possession, as the Lord , the God of your fathers, has spoken to you. Do not fear or be dismayed. The Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf, just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you just as a man carries his son, in all the way which you have walked until you came to this place.

The land is before me. Indeed I am IN the land, and no matter the things God has done for me bringing me to this point (goes before me, carries me, seeks a place for me to camp, fire by night, cloud by day) I still fight against it. I still say no. I'm still afraid.

The Lord was angry saying, 'Not one of you shall see the good land which I swore to give your fathers... But as for you, turn around and set out for the wilderness...'
Then you said to me, 'We have sinned against the Lord; we will indeed go up and fight, just as the Lord our God commanded us.' And every man of you girded on his weapons of war, and regarded it as easy to go up into the hill country. And the Lord said to me, 'Do no go up or fight, for I am not among you; otherwise you will be defeated before your enemies.' So I spoke to you but you would not listen.

Too late.

Instead you rebelled against the command of the Lord, and acted presumptuously and went up into the hill country. The Amorites who lived in that hill country came out against you and chased you as bees do, and crushed you. Then you returned and wept before the Lord; but the Lord did not listen to your voice nor give ear to you. So you remained in Kadesh many days, the days that you spent there.

Then we turned and set out for the wilderness....

Don't wait. I can't wait. The Lord has promised good to me. To be my portion and my supply. To GIVE me this land. I don't need to fight - He will do it for me. Don't wait. The wilderness waits for me if I don't trust. Believe. Do. Enter.

Before it's too late.

*Deuteronomy 1 and 2:1*

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Are you ready for some football?????!!!

Um... no, definitely not. Not this year. The Colts are 0 - shameful, and the Ravens are doing well. Barf. So instead, let's get ready for some pictures!!

We celebrated Rambo's first birthday last night with family. We tried to keep it small but when you have two decent sized families, 'small' usually means 20 or so people. But that also means more delicious food! 

The night began with.....

It began with the making of this cake anyway. The eating came later. Spice cake with sprinkles. It has nothing to do with baby or boy or Rambo or camo, but at least it was made. I am not a baker and have never claimed to be. It was me, a cake mix, a Chinese lady who has never baked a cake, and sprinkles. Lots and lots of sprinkles to cover up the horrible icing job. All I can say is- it was edible.

Of course, the night really began with the man of the hour:

Then lots and lots of food which we didn't get a picture of. But let me tell you, it was good. Chicken wings, chili, meatball subs, salad, cheesy rotelle dip, and more. Your mouth is watering, isn't it? 

Then presents, visiting, dessert....

Towards the end, the adults found themselves enjoying a kids look and find book (which was seriously way hard) and playing video games.

And then.... this is what I did.....

Ahhhhhhhhhh. Hippo was happy too.

And if you'll be ever so kind (trust me, you'll be glad you did) you can check out a wonderful video of the birthday boy here. Much thanks to Laura at In His Grace Photography for taking those pictures one year ago and putting this montage together.

Thanks for sharing in Rambo: First Year with us!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


One year ago I was fat and miserable.

I was tired and swollen.

I was afraid, anxious, overwhelmed and excited.

I was pregnant. Bleh.

I don't know that I've ever told you this before but I hate pregnancy. I hate it with a deep passion. I'm not sure how I've managed to get through four of them. Four. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me shudder. I've tried embracing pregnancy - doesn't work. I've tried enjoying pregnancy - really doesn't work. For me it always comes down to- take it for what it is and get through it. Yes, you are fat, forgetful, and miserable. Deal with it. There's nothing you can do about it. 

That being said, I do love children. My children. I love my children. (Let's not get carried away.) I love them from the moment I find out I'm having them until, well, present tense. They somehow find a way to be innately worth all the pains and troubles that come with pregnancy. Not enough to make me forget, but apparently enough that I've done it several times. 

This fourth pregnancy was the pregnancy to end all pregnancies. It was a roller coaster ride physically and mentally the likes of which I've never experienced. From legs constantly falling asleep to irregular heart palpitations to high blood pressure to extreme amounts of amniotic fluid - to not knowing if they were going to induce me each week to twice weekly stress tests to weekly ultrasounds. You get the picture. I won't bore you with all the details that no one else really cares about, but that I would love to share for your pity. I was done. I'm not sure how many times I said that during those 9 months but I'm pretty sure it came close to 1,000,002. 

And now it's done. It's been over for 364 days. Tomorrow marks 365. 

One entire year.

And I am SO glad.

Right here is where I would love to say that I was glad because he was here and some of the unknowns were now answered and he was semi-okay. And that was a big part of it. But mostly, I was just  reeeaaally happy to not have a baby in my body anymore.

And now he's one. Ridiculous. 


He's even started in the past two days acting older. I'm not doing the whole 'mommy-parting-with-baby-stage-sad-her-baby-is-growing-up' thing here. I'm serious. You saw the picture from the last post. Hello... how do you go from not doing that to suddenly doing that? He's seriously entertaining himself. He actually reached out to grab something with two hands because he couldn't get it with just one. He's never done that before. He's becoming a little man. A short still unstable big headed little man. With curly hair. Who is this kid?

He's Rambo. And he's mine. :) And yes, I still say that despite hating pregnancy to the utter most parts of the earth and despite everything we've been through with him - he is worth it. :)



Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Mary did you know?

Aunt Mary, your sister Dolly wanted you to know that despite her best efforts she was unable to kill the Christmas cactus. Well, left to her own devices she probably would have, indeed, succeeded in killing both of them. But she graciously let me take them home in an effort to raise them from the almost dead. And it appears they are happy. And blooming! Okay, only one of them is blooming but I'm hoping the other one will bud in it's own good time. It is definitely looking up.

And, looky here, who's trying to keep up:

I guess he didn't want a plant to show him up. I'm gonna be honest - it was close. I was PRE-TTY pleased when I saw this cactus budding. But it did make me at least just as happy to see him putting weight on his arms. It was only last week when he needed maximum support on both arms. Go, Rambo, go!

T-minus 2 days until Rambo: First Year. I can't believe he actually made it. Let me rephrase: I can't believe I actually made it. On the other hand, I'm going to hold off on saying that until the 15th is here. Who knows what can happen in two days. Thus far everything is hunky dunky.


Friday, December 9, 2011

Say my name, say my name.

The occupational therapist asked me the other day if Rambo turns his head when I call his name. I paused. In that moment a list as long as... well, a really long list... of all the things he is called flashed through my mind. 'Which one?' was all I could mutter out. This poor child will never know his name because he never gets called the same thing two times in a row. He doesn't have a chance! And it's all my fault. Below is a list of all the names he gets called each day.

Bubs (I know... this one is awful but it just comes out.)
Teeodore (pronounced like his nurse from the islands)
Teddy Rambo

And that's just off the top of my head. As if this kid doesn't have enough problems. Of course, he probably only hears half of them. Hahaha - I made a funny. Cause he isn't hearing out of his left ear. Get it? He only hears half.... No? 

Aaaaaaaanyway.... his first birthday is arriving quickly. Which just feels weird. Good. But weird. I wanted to have a big shebang but we're going to keep it to a small family thing. Avoiding the hospital until after the new years is my goal. 

Our Christmas tree is up. Presents are wrapped. Stockings are hung. Cousin Eddie is in the driveway. And the kids are eagerly anticipating Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. 

*By the way, favorite scene in Christmas Vacation is when Eddie knocks over the wooden display on the table in the living room while he and Clark are talking over eggnog in the reindeer cups. Hi-larious.*

**Also, I want those cups.**

Signing off for now. Happy December 9th, everyone.  

Monday, December 5, 2011

Do you hear what I hear?

Well, if you're Theodore and you're listening with your left ear the answer is no. Yes, folks, that's right. It appears Theodore is deaf in his left ear. 

For the moment.

This is an important fact that I am trying to hold on to. You see, he also has fluid in both ears. Why that is there we don't know, but it could be that the fluid is what is causing his hearing to be poor, nay, nonexistent in the one ear. That is what I am hoping. Can you imagine? Deaf in one ear? I mean, I guess that's better than both ears, but seriously? One more thing? My prayer is that is not the case. 

Today was one of those days where I just couldn't process that information. I'm trying desperately to fight the 'what ifs' and keep the faith, as it were. I'm trying to think positively. I'm trying not to think about all the things Rambo is missing and will miss out on. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. 

I'm trying.

But tonight as I sit here and wait for our nurse, I am defeated. All the things I am trying not to think about plague my mind. I'm trying to take every thought captive but instead they captivate me. 

So here is my physical deliberate attempt to get control:

It is possible that once the fluid is gone his hearing will improve. As I said before we don't know why the fluid is there; it could be residual from when he was in the hospital, it could always have been there. The question arises - has he ever been able to hear out of that ear? We don't know. The next step is to take him back to Hopkins and have him sedated so they can look more closely at his inner ear. This will be able to tell them what the true issue is. Even though his right ear had fluid in it the *audiologist was still able to get really good responses in that ear. That is good news.

*Yes this is the same audiologist that asked if he could breathe quieter. I'm proud to report that she did not repeat the same offense today. In fact, Theodore did extremely well and barely seemed to notice anything was going on. Of course, I guess him not hearing anything contributed to that fact, but I'll take whatever I can get. 

It's late. I'm tired. Our nurse will soon be here and I will be snuggled up in my electric blanket in no time. That is what I am going to think about tonight as I drift off to that sweet release of sleep.

Goodnight, all.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Happy week after Thanksgiving! We have been basically trying to relax and  digest all our food since then. I think this is the first year I actually enjoyed the turkey and didn't just eat it because it was Thanksgiving. If you're anything like us than the turkey is most likely the only left over that lasts longer than a day. I hope that you can find delicious things to do with it. I've tried. Let me know if you have any good ideas. I'm not a turkey expert.

Anyway, for more pictures of Israel's intense stare and other such nonsense, if you care to see, you can check it out under the fam tab.

Thank you and goodnight.

Friday, November 25, 2011


Thanksgiving always makes me think of Christmas movies. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because the two holidays are so close. Maybe a few connections in my brain have been a bit.... frazzled. Either way, I have thought more about A Christmas Story and National Lampoons Christmas Vacation in the past week than I usually do during the entire month of December. (Or maybe *gasp* I'm morphing more and more into a Taylor every day - let's hope that's not the case). But considering it's the day after Thanksgiving I have finally been given permission by my husband to speak of all things Christmas.

*Speaking of the day after Thanksgiving, it's my hubs birthday. Happy birthday!! Love you!* Side note: I actually hate the phrase 'hubs' or 'hubby' but 'husband' feels so formal. So I find myself stuck in between a rock and a hard place where I'm going to either be over the top or trendy. Both of which I hate. This is my life.

Our Thanksgiving was very low key this year. Just my and Ben's parents. Not too much set up, not an overwhelming amount of food to cook, no traveling. It was nice. And I have a lot to be thankful for. I asked the kids to say something they were thankful for before they ate. The answers were family, my soul and heart, and food and water. I was fully expecting something like their favorite toy or movie, which would have been fine, but my heart did swell a little at their responses. Dare I say that my kids actually have a sense of putting things in perspective and being grateful? I think I do dare.

And I would now like to take the time to say thank you to all of you. Everyone who reads this blog (whether for updates, pity's sake, entertainment) it means a lot. Those who comment - thank you. Especially on the 100th post. I can truly say I was expecting one sentence responses from everyone. I never dreamed that you would put so much thought into what you said. This blog started as a place to keep everyone updated and a way for me to process things. It has become so much more to me, and I hope to you too. Reading each comment really refreshed me. And for that I say - thank you. 

Now onto CHRISTMAS!! I thought it would be fun to list the Christmas movies that we watch every year. No, seriously. EVERY year we watch them - in their entirety. Most of them I enjoy. Most of them have their slow parts. But each year I love them more.
  • National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
  • A Christmas Story
  • Christmas in Connecticut
  • Elf
  • It's a Wonderful Life
  • You've Got Mail (this is a newer tradition)
  • Rudolph - the original of course

I feel like there is one or two that I'm missing but I can't think of them.

The first two I had to grow to love because my first few impressions of them were .... "whaaaat?" But given I'm now a Taylor I'm pretty sure Ben had grounds to divorce me if I didn't end up 'seeing the light' as he would say. Each movie has a story behind it or a tradition of it's own. Like Christmas Vacation we watch with the whole Taylor family - we're talking parents, brothers, sisters, etc. usually the same day we pick out our Christmas trees... as a family... (really, the Taylors are a little commune all their own. You can fight against it but you'll always lose. All of us who are married in know exactly what I mean while the Taylor men say "What are you talking about???") It's a Wonderful Life Ben and I watch every Christmas Eve. I generally end up falling asleep somewhere between their honeymoon and Clarence. Elf is a new classic. I could go on and on. I won't. But I will recommend each of these movies to you if you don't usually watch them.

I'm interested in hearing any of the movies you watch each Christmas season and why. Maybe it will give me a new one to add to the list.



Thursday, November 24, 2011

Frankly, my dear....

I'm supposed to be looking up mac and cheese crock pot recipes considering it's one of the three things I'm responsible for for Thanksgiving dinner. That's what I'm supposed to be doing anyway. Obviously, I'm not. 

Instead, I decided to share a few photos of the little man showing that maybe he's not that different from other babies after all. This is one of the things I am thankful for today:

No one can resist the cell phone. You can almost see it in the last picture, but each time he got ahold of it he would have this sly smile on his face because he was so proud of himself. It made my day :)

Here are few more things that I'm thankful for:

So proud of themselves for taking a self portrait.
I'm also thankful for my husband but he's like a sasquatch or the loch ness monster when a camera is around. I'll see what I can do. 
Happy birthday to him and my mother-in-law! (A day early but that's okay.)
Alright, and I guess I have to include Joe too.... some say he's Ben's twin, but I don't know... no one has seen him for quite some time.

Enough of this stalling... time is ticking and a crock pot dish will quickly be out of the picture if I don't start soon. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Not my finest hour.

This week has been quiet on the blogging front. Not the blogging world as a whole (well, I don't know, maybe it has been but I doubt it.) but for this blogger in particular. And for one reason alone.


This has been one of those having-four-children-was-not-my-proudest-moment weeks. If you know what I mean. I love my children. I really do. I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.

So this leads me to Things I Don't Understand: Episode 4

1) How children literally have endless amounts of energy.
2) Why they fight to the death one minute and then are instantly sad the second they are apart.
3) Why I have to tell them a million and a half times to do something and then, in the midst of doing it, remind them what it is they are doing.
4) How they can wipe their noses on their sleeves.
5) How they sit mesmerized by the most mind-numbing show just because the 'big box' is glowing. 
6) Why they want to do the exact opposite of what they are doing even though they are doing exactly what they asked to do.
7) Why it is so hard to put away clothes.
8) Why going to bed is the worst thing in the world. You couldn't pay me to stay up any longer than I have to.
9) Why after repeated lessons to not open the door when they think someone knocks they still open up the door all the live long day.
10) Why they hate me so.


Friday, November 18, 2011

Edmund Fitzgerald

Why not add more weight to this already sinking ship?

Yeah, I couldn't think of a reason either. I think that's why this happened.

ignore the nail polish that needs terribly to be redone.

To those of you who don't know the history of my middle toe: it's long and boring. The gist of it is I have basically dislocated it three times and chipped the bone and now there is some kind of a cyst on the bone. Each time you dislocate it, it gets weaker. Hence this most recent picture. It got snagged somewhere between Rambo's oxygen cord and his diaper bag. Stinking baby.  And it is excruciating. That's the best part. 

So now I am stuck limping in serious pain just to make it around the house. 
But it's all okay. No. Seriously. It's okay. Did anyone just believe that???

I really am making an effort to take this all in stride and make the best of it. Complaining isn't going to make it any easier. In fact, it will probably only make it seem twice as awful for twice the amount of time. I am, however, considering amputating it. Take the sucker off and cut my losses... get it? "Cut" my losses...... it's a pun....Take the Bible verse literally that says if it causes you to stumble cut it off. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.  

Anyway, happy Friday everyone. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

It would figure.

I have decided to look at this week as an extended weekend. Not because I'm enjoying all the relaxing, fun, refreshing times one would look forward to on a weekend. No no no. But because I would rather tell myself I had a crappy weekend than an entire crappy week. In my head, this makes me feel just a teensy bit better about it. 

So what has made up this extended crappy weekend? Nothing in particular and EVERYTHING. 

After having a rather traumatic doctors appointment last Thursday Rambo has been non stop coughing, gagging and restless since then. We're talking day and night. 

Mother pussbucket.

And we were doing so well!!! Since Rambo got out of the hospital he was the best he's EVER been. Way less suctioning. Staying level on his oxygen needs, even throughout the night. Happy. Progressing developmentally. And then the doctor decided not only would she put the scope down his nose into his throat and literally bang around to see if she could get a reaction out of him (Uh.... hello???? I guess the 'screaming' and turning blue isn't reaction enough) but it was apparently a good idea to then take out his trach and put the scope directly in his stoma. Let's remember that the trach is the only reason he can breathe. And he's a baby. So leaving that out for any period of time is not a good idea. Especially if you are replacing the hole with a SOLID OBJECT. Welcome back, dark dark blue dusky Rambo. I'd hope to never see you again. And it's not like the doctor did it quickly either. He probably couldn't breathe for a solid 30 seconds. I know these people are 'professionals' and I am not, but are you kidding me?? That was a poor idea and I can guarantee you it will NEVER happen again. I honestly think they forget they are dealing with humans. And there is a time and place for that - that mind set saved his life on several occasions. However - this was not the time or the place.

It was like my dream of having Rambo happy and well was placed right before me. I was living it. And then I get curbed in the back of the head and my dreams are dashed before me just like my teeth on the sidewalk.

I know that sounds dramatic. *In a whiny voice* but that's how it felt... :(

And, of course, our nurse would pick this same week to show up an hour late 2 nights in a row and then not at all the next night.

Also, I ruined hard boiled eggs. Who ruins hard boiled eggs????  I wasted an entire half dozen eggs because of this. I was defeated.

Each day holds a dozen little things that make me want to give up. This has not been my week extended weekend.

And that, my friends, is why I can't yet express my thanks to you for reading and commenting.   I will get there. I promise. Maybe after my 10th cup of coffee. Maybe tomorrow. 

Usually this is where I would say that I will persevere. I'll suck it up and make it through another day. But for today, I'm going to get another cup of coffee, delay homeschool, and let my kids fend for themselves for a while. With the exception of Rambo. Something tells me that wouldn't go too well.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Giveaway winner

I was just informed by my son that I MIGHT be the best mom in the world. There's apparently some steep competition. So to all you moms out there just know that I'm not going down without a fight.

I also uploaded a new video of Rambo which you can watch here. I know I'm biased, but really, I love how he rubs his head to soothe himself :)

But now it's time to get down to business. It was close but at the eleventh hour you all pulled through and got to at least 25 comments. Good job! I can't say all of you followed the rule about the phrases, but I'll let that one slide. Majority wins on this one. :) 

And the random winner of the delicious Amish treats is: Dorothy! (Ben, no one cheated.) So message me on facebook or email me: so I can get your info :)

I want to give a big thank you to everyone who commented but right this second my life is chaotic and making me feel extremely flustered. So I'm going to wait until I can get my thoughts straight. 

Dorothy, you will soon be able to reap the bounty of your win. 

Everyone, enjoy your day. Or try to. I hope it's going better than mine. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Last chance for romance.

Well, maybe not romance... but the last call for comments! I'm extending it by a few days so we can hopefully meet the minimum! If you haven't commented yet, now's your chance. Click here to comment and a chance to win. Keep them coming! I'll do the drawing on Wednesday. 

Friday, November 11, 2011

Remembering/100th post

Looking back is hard. To remember is almost too much.

Too much pain.
Too many times death came too close.

Too much recognition in his eyes.

Too much time away from family.

Too much lonliness.
Too many memories

Too much pain.

Too small.

Too many things that didn't have to be.

Too many scars.

It hurts to even look at pictures. You won't see all of them. Ever.

 It's too hard.


There were also special moments.

Never too many smiles.
Never too much love.

And a very special Christmas.

I know.

I know he is fearfully and wonderfully made.

I know he is loved.
I know he is created to do great things.

I know I am not the same.

What His(God's) methods will be with you I cannot fortell. But you may be sure that He never works in an arbitrary way. He has a reason for everything He does. You may not understand why He leads you now in this way and now in that, but you may, nay, you must believe that perfection is stamped on His every act. *

I KNOW he is perfect.

I still believe.
I still love 
BECAUSE Jesus first loved me.

Thank you all for sharing in these last 100 posts, in the last 11 months of our lives. 
I look forward to many more.

*from Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth E. Prentiss

Now onto the not so hard, sad, happy, hard to process stuff. It's my 100th post!! Holler! So get your fingers on your keyboard and start typing! Here are the rules again.

1) At least 25 people have to comment. Come on! You can do it!
2) You have to use one of the following phrases in a sentence: short stack, genetically questionable, or tubage tubage everywhere.
3) Leave your name, email, and website (if you have one)

You can comment more than once for multiple entries but each one has to have one of the phrases in it. And remember you have 2 days to comment. Sunday at 2pm is when this ends. Then the winner will be chosen using The prize will be a few goodies from our local Amish market. Who wouldn't like a few homeade jams or fudge or trailmix?? So show Rambo some support and good grief, just comment so that SOMEONE can win! Thanks everyone! I look forward to your comments!!

Veterans Day

Happy Veterans Day!!

picture courtesy of

Thank you to all who serve and have served for our country, for my freedom!  

picture courtesy of
To every soldier in every war and battle - Thank you.

pictures courtesy of,, and respectively
To the willing, the brave, our heroes...
pictures courtesy of and photos

To those who sacrificed... to the fallen.

Today we honor you.

99th post!! Be looking for the 100th later today!!