Monday, December 30, 2013


It's the same every year.

At least it feels the same. 

Bidding good riddance to the past year. Don't let the door hit you in the you-know-what.

Bigger and better things are in store for me (hopefully).

Then those promise filled days turn into frustrating weeks 
and disappointing months and depressing seasons.

And those bigger and better things never come.

And this time you're telling the year to kiss you in the you-know-what.
Forget the door, you'll take care of it yourself. 

And the cycle continues.

And I know that I'm just this jar of clay. This breakable, fragile, jar of mud. But aren't I supposed to be filled with this.... treasure? This intangible, sustainable, fulfilling treasure? Because it doesn't feel like it most of the time. I don't feel treasure-filled. My jar is doubts and depression and anxiety and all that stuff I thought was supposed to be worked out in college like self esteem and insecurities. I'm not supposed to be crushed but I'm crushed. I'm not supposed to be despairing but I am. I'm not supposed to be destroyed. I'm not supposed to lose heart.

My broken pieces are supposed to be growing into beauty but they are weeds instead.  

Where is this treasure? I am only a jar of clay.

 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."

Ah, yes, I am. I am only a jar. Thanks be to God it isn't me who has to fill up the jar. 

But I still try. And I always end up with weeds instead of flowers.

Somewhere along the line when I don't like what has come my way I start to lose my way. I start. And those buds that would blossom into beauty given time break off. They die. I kill them. 

Because I know better. And months later when my jar of clay is filled with myself and I'm stooped in depression and muck I say that I don't know what happened. I don't like that I'm hard pressed. I don't like that I'm afflicted. I don't like that I'm crushed or forsaken or despairing. 

I don't know why I don't have any flowers. And I don't like it. 

Where is this treasure?

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. Ithe world you will have tribulation. But take heartI have overcome the world.” 

We will face tribulation. We will be afflicted and struck down. But IN HIM we will not be destroyed. In Him there is beauty from the brokenness. The power belongs to God, not us.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4

(FindING and livING out all the important thINGs in your life.)



Take a breath... it's over.

It's been a while. I apologize. I'm sure this season has been busy for all of us and the time to sit down and type a few things... well, it never presented itself. I had all these ideas of grandeur of getting the house put together and all those little chores that never get done on the regular were going to be fulfilled and.... yeah, that didn't happen. The first two days of our Christmas vacation were great. Junk drawer cleaned, laundry DONE, shoe bins cleaned up and organized, etc. Now we are down to our last week of no school and all that has to be redone including all of the normal stuff that has been put off and all those new wonderful toys to be put away... somewhere.... 

I guess I should start by saying that we celebrated Theodore's 3rd birthday!!! And by 'celebrate' I mean we all said "happy birthday". No party, no cake, no presents. I don't mean to sound heartless, but it just wasn't happening this year. He didn't know, people, okay. And why put more stress on ourselves about planning something like that amidst the busiest time of year when he can't even eat cake? We love him. We reminisced. We thanked God for him again. And we called it a day. 

And let me tell you something, this 3 year old is getting big!! Walking has still not been attained. But he is able to, with some patience, get balance and stand on his own for a few seconds. And instead of falling over he semi-gracefully just sits down. He's learning more signs and we just keep adding to our list for communication. More, song, momma, daddy, head, book, out, hi and bye- are all signs he does regularly. Please, thank you, good morning, eat, no, open, help, dog, cat, sleep, bed, bath, careful- are just a few that are in our repertoire. He desperately wants to communicate and we are trying to help him figure out how. 

Theodore also seems to be going through a rough stage. Pulling hair, slapping faces, uncontrollable swinging of hands, scratching, bouncing and moving during a diaper change. It's not super fun.

Christmas was amazing. We awoke to HUGE bags of presents for the kids filled by a wonderful anonymous donor who heard of our family somehow. I must say that we celebrate Christmas because of Jesus, but my heart was a little saddened that we only had two presents under the tree for each kid. God had that under control apparently because we had to do our Christmas morning on Christmas Eve morning or we would not have had time to open everything. God is good. And so is that lovely lady who 'adopted' us. Thank you! And there was a 'little' something in there for me and Ben to enjoy as well!

Back to Theodore... we are still working on schooling. It looks like he will be attending school. We have met the nurse who will be with him for transport and the entirety of the day. She is wonderful. Thank God! Now I have to get together social security cards, birth certificates, one of my kidneys, and part of my heart to officially register him for school. (I guess there's a lot of school fraud??? I don't know.) We should be having our final meeting sometime this month and then it's finally time for mommy to have a heart attack as I will be watching him GET ON A BUS AND LEAVE!!!!! My throat is starting to tighten just thinking about it. I'm gonna need to make sure I have a full prescription of anxiety meds before this happens. 

My plan is to be more active on here. I've said that before I know, but I really mean it this time. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, Merry Christmas a little late, and Happy New Year!!     

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Tis the Season... be busy. Wait, that's not right. be stressed? 

This Christmas season is so short. I feel like I've been going since the day before Thanksgiving and I haven't stopped yet. And these stinking nurses are about to ruin my Christmas spirit. 

Could I share a short and sweet nursing story with you? Okay, well I would if I had one. But, lo and behold, I don't. Surprise, surprise. You don't have to feel obligated to read, you really don't. But these stories just keep getting more and more unbelievable that it's hard not to share out of sheer amazement.

One of our wonderful consistent nurses (we have 2 wonderful consistent nurses) is on vacay. Not really - she's on a mission's trip to Nigeria, but whatever. (If its not your home I consider it vacation unless you're on active duty. That's just the way it is.) She is out until the end of January which I'm sure I have shared in prior posts. I think. Anyway, she is gone. Which leaves us short. So here are the fun situations we have found ourselves in.

Numero Uno:
Sunday night *technically Monday morning*12:30am (under the assumption my nurse is coming because no one has called to say different) calling the company to find out where my nurse is. 12:45am them calling me back after needing to find her and telling me that she is a no call/no show. Awesome. Thanks for that. 

This is after not having a nurse Thanksgiving night- which I knew was happening so that was fine. Everybody needs a night off once in a while. But twice in just a few days of each other always stinks, especially unannounced. 

Numero dos:
We are told we are having a new nurse come for the day. It was expressly stressed to us that he would be here an hour early for orientation. A half an hour after he's supposed to be here I call to find out where he is. "Stuck in traffic" they say. Like always. "But he'll be there in 15 minutes, he's on the Bay Bridge." 

Uhh... unless something drastic has happened with geography there is NO WAY you're going to be at my house in 15 minutes if you're on the bridge. An hour and forty minutes after he's supposed to be here he shows up. He just walks in like it's no problem. "Um.... you were supposed to be here at 9am. It's 10:40. What happened?" To which of course he answers a bunch of mumbo jumbo and traffic and Easton and GPS and blah blah blah. Finally, FINALLY, after several minutes he admits to plain and simply just not wanting to come for orientation. Apparently the fact that he's been doing home health for a long time is supposed to make me instantaneously comfortable with him caring for my son. Not to mention the fact that even if he wasn't supposed to be here for orientation he would still have been 40 minutes late! 

We had plans for the day that totally had to be changed, and even though he's 'super nurse' we stayed around for an hour orienting him!! (50% of the time was taken up with HIM asking us questions.) Hence the reason he should have come for orientation!!!!! 

So despite a few qualms and with much urging to call us and programming our numbers into his phone, we head into town to accomplish a few things but decided to stay close to home in case anything happened. After a few hours we head home early. As we neared the house I got more and more anxious with that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I did not like this man. 

Thankfully, Theodore appeared fine and no worse for the wear but that feeling didn't wane. We decide to send the nurse home early. Thank you, please never come back. We are sending him home 2 hours early and when we go to sign his time sheet he claimed the amount of time he was supposed to be there - 10 hours, not the 7 1/2 he actually worked. This guy is honest to the core. Yes, please come into my home and watch my disabled child again. I think not. He does eventually change the time sheet at our request but then asks some sketchy questions about what kind of insurance we have and it just got weirder by the minute.

When I call the next day to say we would not like to have him back they had nothing to say. In fact, they almost seemed bothered that I dare say he lied. It was a mess.

So now I'm here at another Sunday night and am 99% certain I am nurse-less once again. I'm not even sure that we'll have any day time nursing anytime soon. It's a good thing I love this kid.

But, hey, tis the season, right?? I'm hoping the cheer and joy and jolly-ness come and stay before Christmas has come and gone.