Monday, December 30, 2013


It's the same every year.

At least it feels the same. 

Bidding good riddance to the past year. Don't let the door hit you in the you-know-what.

Bigger and better things are in store for me (hopefully).

Then those promise filled days turn into frustrating weeks 
and disappointing months and depressing seasons.

And those bigger and better things never come.

And this time you're telling the year to kiss you in the you-know-what.
Forget the door, you'll take care of it yourself. 

And the cycle continues.

And I know that I'm just this jar of clay. This breakable, fragile, jar of mud. But aren't I supposed to be filled with this.... treasure? This intangible, sustainable, fulfilling treasure? Because it doesn't feel like it most of the time. I don't feel treasure-filled. My jar is doubts and depression and anxiety and all that stuff I thought was supposed to be worked out in college like self esteem and insecurities. I'm not supposed to be crushed but I'm crushed. I'm not supposed to be despairing but I am. I'm not supposed to be destroyed. I'm not supposed to lose heart.

My broken pieces are supposed to be growing into beauty but they are weeds instead.  

Where is this treasure? I am only a jar of clay.

 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."

Ah, yes, I am. I am only a jar. Thanks be to God it isn't me who has to fill up the jar. 

But I still try. And I always end up with weeds instead of flowers.

Somewhere along the line when I don't like what has come my way I start to lose my way. I start. And those buds that would blossom into beauty given time break off. They die. I kill them. 

Because I know better. And months later when my jar of clay is filled with myself and I'm stooped in depression and muck I say that I don't know what happened. I don't like that I'm hard pressed. I don't like that I'm afflicted. I don't like that I'm crushed or forsaken or despairing. 

I don't know why I don't have any flowers. And I don't like it. 

Where is this treasure?

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. Ithe world you will have tribulation. But take heartI have overcome the world.” 

We will face tribulation. We will be afflicted and struck down. But IN HIM we will not be destroyed. In Him there is beauty from the brokenness. The power belongs to God, not us.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4

(FindING and livING out all the important thINGs in your life.)



1 comment:

  1. Amen to that sister! I often say that the true spiritual journey is not very pretty. It's me, on my face, eating dirt and ugly crying!!! That's because I am not actually the weak victim I believe myself to be, but rather an incredibly tenacious, fiesty ,fighter who would rather do just about anything but surrender! Who will save me from this body of death!??! Praise God there IS the great and good shepherd Jesus Christ! He does move heaven and earth on our behalf to scrape out the filth and make us a vessel useful for His purposes. He IS the lifter up of my chin as king David attested. As my Dad used to say, when your chin is lifted, eyes are no longer looking inward but upward! Staying in today ...xoxooxx