Theodore has been doing so well. I can't even remember the last time he used his vent. He's getting big, he's learning all sorts of new things, he's growing up.
But lately.... he's been coughing. A lot. Sticking his fingers in his mouth, gagging himself; at night he coughs and coughs and coughs and coughs. And that's 'it' for me. That is what makes me feel like my body has turned inside out and is shot in all directions like a shattered crystal glass.
It only takes one. One coughing spell. One incident of gagging and me trying to stop him from continuing. One minute of fighting sleep from coughing. It's just the right tool used in just the right spot to tap the glass and ruin it.
It's a nightmare. It's what causes me to completely lose my composure. It brings me to my knees in agony. It keeps me from seeing any good possibility within days because this one incident has ruined it all. Anxiety shoots through me and I act ridiculous. It literally makes me wish I could go to bed and not wake up just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. Any and every bad situation I can think of is all I see. There is no half full glass. There isn't even a half empty glass. There is no glass at all because it's broken all over the floor.
Maybe that seems dramatic. I'm not saying it's pretty or right. I'm just saying it's the way it is. There are a lot of dark corners in my heart, I'm finding. Even my son, whom I love desperately, can cause me to see only red in an instant because of something that he can't control.
Yeah, I know it's not a normal situation. I know we deal with more than the average person (maybe), I know that it's not just simply one coughing spell that we are dealing with. But I'm still not proud of the way I act- it doesn't excuse me from dealing patiently and lovingly. And quite honestly, it's a pain in the butt. I really don't want to get anxious and uptight with my mind running a million miles a minute thinking about how our entire first week of school is now going to be awful because of one cough.
I'm thankful that those dark corners are being exposed and hope that Light can be shed there to stay.
The mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. Matthew 12:24
The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick. Jeremiah 17:9
Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved for You are my praise. Jeremiah 17:14