Thursday, February 18, 2016

Welcome back. (I think)

Okay, it's been awhile, I know. Writing for me used to be a kind of therapy, I think. A way to deal and decompress and work things out. It was how I stayed in the now without being overwhelmed by the now. And then, that time passed and writing was put in the past and life moved on. 

And now it's back. But before I go any further I must say that it really has nothing to do with this blog's namesake. THANKFULLY. All is well on that front. Really well, actually. 

No, this has to do with a not so little four letter word: R-U-T-H. 

I love her. I do. But she has entered that full blown, hormonal, pre-teen season. And she has entered with a bang. And I'm not gonna lie - I have no freaking clue what I am doing. Not. A. Clue. I think what makes it even harder is that this girl is not like me at all. She has always been hot or cold, she has always known what she wants, she is outgoing, courageous, strong. She is the complete opposite of me. 

And I'm over here like..............................................

Today I told her (okay, more like yelled at her) that she was making me crazy. 

I'm a terrible person and parent. And that's not the end of the story unfortunately.... it gets worse. She then replied "I know. You've said that before." *ugghhhh! I am genuinely the worst. (with an attitude, but it doesn't matter because it doesn't excuse what I proceeded to say in any way) Which was, drum roll please:

"Well then maybe you should get the picture."

Just stone me now.  

Who says that? TO THEIR CHILD??????? Honestly, I am the worst person that I know. And I saw on her face her heart break, but only for an instant before she could put on her tough demeanor. It was enough for me to know though. To know that in 8 words I totally crushed her world. 

8 words. 

What is wrong with me? This is my CHILD. Guys, I said those things over math work. Where is my loyalty, my patience, my love?  How can school bring me to the end like that??

And then I realized, as I slammed the door, (yes, I keep racking up those parenting wins today) that the little four letter problem is not R-u-t-h but it's S-E-L-F. I instantly saw myself like my other daughter from a few days ago who was running to the car and tripped in a massive puddle. Soaked from head to toe, skinned knees and palms. From carefree and happy to a dirty mess in a matter of a second. 

Only instead of tripping I had just plunged myself face first into a nasty mess. And, unfortunately, I took my daughter with me. 

Now, some of you reading this may understand me. And others may think what I already know - that I'm awful. And you may completely NOT understand how anyone could say something that terrible to their child. And I hope that you never have and never will.

All I can say to you is this, that thankfully my daughter is also not like me in that she is forgiving. SO SO wonderfully forgiving. I sat on the floor with her later and apologized. I asked for her forgiveness and talked with her. And hugged her.

Parenting is hard. It is not for the faint of heart. Shoot, I'm still figuring out if it's for me. My kids probably aren't sure either. Sometimes it feels like looking for your way in the dark. And you have to smash hard into something before you realize you're doing it wrong. I had one job.....    

I love my kids. Each one of them. And thankfully they are loved by our Heavenly Father who doesn't let them down, or tell them mean things, who teaches them true love and forgiveness. Because of Him, my daughter forgave me... only because of Him does my daughter love me. 

In 8 words today I crushed my daughter. In 1 word, she brought things to a beautiful end: forgiveness. 

I will aim to be more like my daughter. 


2 comments:

  1. You know I've always had a soft spot for that beautiful girl. And you are not a terrible mama. You are the best kind of mama. The kind that when she recognizes that she hurt her baby, she apologizes and asks for forgiveness. Amanda, that is true love. And for The record- I have unfortunately said similar things to my kiddos. Parenting is a beautiful, messy, sanctifying journey... Only survived bc of grace.

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  2. Welcome back, for sure! You've often heard me say that my own spiritual journey is me, on my knees eating dirt and ugly crying ;( , in short...life. And I defy any one to honestly look back on their own parenting and not be able to quickly, and ashamedly, be able to pull out their own ugly, biting, hurting words and actions which we'd all like to hide. And then God...And then God...big grateful sigh. He swoops in, He redeems, He covers, He uses ALL things for good. He uses you to remind us of His Grace. God's power is made perfect in our weakness...so let's be weak! Perfectly weak thank you. We admit to our complete inability and God is free to simply be Himself in and through us. Welcome back love, we need you xoxoxoxo

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