Monday, August 13, 2018

Worst nightmare.

I faced my worst nightmare the other day, guys.

The make-up aisle.

It is the closest thing to hell that my mind can conjure up currently.

I don't know how many of you get paralyzed by excessive choices, but I DO. When I walk into a restaurant for a nice dinner out and they hand me a menu that's really 4 volumes of a freaking World Book Encyclopedia put into one, I go blank. Instant overload. I'm all

I'm not quite sure how to cure that or if it's even possible. All I know is that usually I end up eating whatever Ben has ordered for me. 

But, this time, in the make-up section I was alone. ALONE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Did you see the picture???? And that's just ONE of the aisles! Multiple aisles, guys. Multiple. Aisles. Encyclopedia-kind-of-full aisles to choose from. 

*hides head in shame* It took me 45 minutes to pick out a foundation. And all the while I'm coaching myself, "Okay, you can do this. Just breathe. One thing at a time. Don't even look over there." And, let me tell you, that coaching was not happening in my head. Oh no, right out loud. Right in between vol 6 and vol 7 of ALL THE  COLORS between classic ivory and buff beige foundation. 

*whispers* So many colors.

I feel my anxiety rising just thinking about it. I'm truly praying that before I need to buy make-up again a big bag of it appears on my doorstep from some God-sent angel. 

And to make matters worse, I had to choose one of those million colors without a mirror. Let me say that again. I was tasked with choosing the exact color, the only one, the PERFECT one to match my skin tone without a mirror. No pressure, right. If I can't pick what I want to eat for dinner one night how in the name of Kronk am I going to pick out the foundation color I wear on my face every day?!?! Who thinks of this stuff??? Once my tunnel vision semi-cleared enough to hopefully have chosen wisely, I grabbed the first mascara I saw under $10 and ran.

I didn't even get the few other things I needed. One more minute and I would have been on the floor in the fetal position. If not for the choice overload, for the pure shock of prices. I just want to wear a little make-up, I'm not a freaking billionaire! 

So, here's to you weird people who handle choices like it ain't a thang. And to those of us who don't, I'll understand if I see you pulling a Kronk somewhere. It's okay.  

Saturday, August 11, 2018

WIn some/ Lose some

It's Friday night. We've just returned home from taking the kids to the 4-H fair. A trip I was especially able to enjoy because I had the confirmed knowledge that Theodore's nurse would finally be returning to work tonight after 2 1/2 long weeks of vacation. Two and a half weeks of 24/7 Theodore care for me; long nights on the not so comfortable couch, long days because of the long nights. But tonight was THE night.  My bed, my glorious bed awaited. 

And it WAS oh so glorious.

It's Saturday morning. I slept better than I had in, well, 17 days. I go to greet our sorely missed nurse, wanting to ask about her vacation home, but before I can say a word, I hear, in her Tobagonian accent, "I tink you have dose fly eggs all over your kit'en floor."

I did.

But at least I had slept in my own bed.

It's 10:30 am on Saturday morning. The kitchen has been thoroughly scrubbed, washed, vacuumed, cleared out, disinfected, lit and burnt to a crisp. Theodore is the only other person awake. 

Blueberry pancakes are being eaten. Alone. Coffee is being consumed. Alone. And for 2.5 minutes (while Theodore is otherwise occupied) I can enjoy the quiet and the breakfast I have most definitely earned (albeit also had to make). This morning wasn't 100% a win. But last night was and I'll take what I can get. 

Friday, August 10, 2018


Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied. - Matthew 5:6

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Thus I have seen you in the sanctuary beholding your power and glory.
My soul will be satisfied....
Psalm 63:1-2, 5

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. All of it. No matter how hard I work towards accomplishing something, it inevitably falls short in one way or another. I have been weighed. I have been measured. And I have been found wanting. Over and over again. Whether it's parenting or wife-ing (????) or teaching or organizing - you name it, I claim it. And even if all goes smoothly I'm left with a feeling of frustration or emptiness, wondering why I even put my hand to it in the first place. Did it really matter? I mean.. let's be honest. Did it REALLY matter? 

Because if I were doing it right there would be satisfaction, some feeling of accomplishment, some sense of peace. Right? So this emptiness and unworthiness and uselessness are my fault. There is no peace here.  

And those verses that seem like they should bring comfort instead bring condemnation. I'm doing it all wrong. I don't thirst for God enough. I don't desire Him enough. I don't love Him enough. That's why there's no peace. That's why I'm not satisfied.


What if I haven't been doing anything wrong only understanding this all wrong?

What if those "thirst for" verses are not about "need tos" but about "already ares." The void isn't because we aren't thirsting enough for God but the void IS the thirst. 
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be filled." Maybe in other words, blessed are you who feel empty and along for God alone will fill you. 

We already have the thirst naturally. We need to learn to quench it- actually. Or, more appropriately,  we need to LET IT BE QUENCHED. In the only place it can be. By the only One who can.

"He created us to need Him even when all we want to need is ourselves." - Sara Hagerty

Holler. Amen. Hands up.  If I could just DO more, HAVE more, BE more I would be filled.

We can't.

We will never be enough. The world and all it holds will never be enough.

 "Jesus said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water {the deep physical, earthly well} will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" John 4: 13-14

All my striving will get me nothing. Take that in. Breathe and let the pressure go. But my thirst naturally can be quenched actually by only One. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

"We want our work to be known and our impact
to be memorialized. And it will be, but by God alone.
No human can give us accolades that will satisfy the 
deepest longings of our hearts. We search vainly from
others for the acclaim that only God can give."
- Sara Hagerty, "Unseen"

I don't know about you, but the older I get the more my life seems to be filled by disappointment after disappointment, one unsuccessful venture after another, failure followed by failure. And up until about 5 years ago I could have listed you a MYRIAD of things that qualified as my biggest fears, I could guarantee you that unsuccess was not one of them. 

But now it is. Top of the list, number one for x weeks in a row. 


Under appreciated.


I'm still surprised by this. By the fact that it is. Surprised at how deeply and coldly it runs through me; how it has a hold. 

It's not because I'm a mom (stay-at-home) or because I homeschool (which I L-O-V-E ........ 😣) or because I don't have a career so to speak or even because the hobbies I have and am skilled in have amounted to just about nothing (though, let's be honest, I do really like to think it's because of that most of the time.) It's not because I see other people around me succeeding in things I KNOW I can do. *whispers* and I know I could do better.  

Those things all play a part to be sure. They help prop up the fears and emptiness that already exist and, man, they build a wall. Before I know it I've got freaking Fort Knox happening inside my head and heart and it takes tanks and all sorts of artillery to knock some of it down just so I can get to the real issue. By the way, that little crack I've made in the wall WILL, inevitably, be built back up by some random occurrence and I'll have to start all over again. IF I'm not too frustrated or tired or angry to restart.

And it's this vicious cycle that continues even though I know that those things are not the real issue. They are not the cause. They will not be the cure if fulfilled.

So I have to remember. Every day. Every second sometimes. This void can only be filled by One. By the One who made me. 

The One who sees me.

And when I remember that and accept that and surrender to that, my wall comes crumbling down- not piece by piece with tedious work, but effortlessly. And EVERY TIME I wonder why it takes me so long to do the one thing I know will bring that wall down before it gets built so large, or at all.

It is not a one time thing, to be sure. It's a second by second thing. A keep-your-eye-on-the-prize thing. It takes some training. And some believing. And it's worth it every time. Because instead of feeling like my life is just taking up space in this big wide world, I feel purpose. Not my purpose- but a it-really-matters purpose. And that is not a small thing for one like me.